The life I left behind
by writingfanfics1432
Summary: What if Yuri Katsuki self-harmed? I short story on how I think he would cope. (A/N: The first version was a bit all over the place so I replaced. Don't know what happened there)
1. Chapter 1

I don't think about them much. They're there, I can feel them. Even though they have faded over the years, I can still feel some slightly raised on my skin.

The first time it happened I was thirteen. I was in high school and someone called me fat. I didn't let it bother me at first but the bullying carried on until I left school. I thought things would get better when I moved to Detroit but it didn't.

I felt like I was failing at everything; my classes, my skating practice, my coach and my family. Things didn't seem to get any better.

I remembered the first time anyone saw me do it. I was in the bathroom of Phichit and I's dorm room. I thought I had locked the bathroom door until Phichit walked it. Me standing there, with a razor in my hand, leg on the bathtub and blood dripping from my thigh to the tiled floor.

"Yuri?" Phichit said calmly. I'll never forget the worried looked that plastered his face. I didn't have anything to say. I couldn't say anything. All I did was pull up my jeans, grabbed my sneakers and left before he could say anything else.

I got back late that evening. When I arrived back, Phichit was sitting on his bed waiting for me.

"I'm not going to say anything to anyone Yuri. I'm not going to tell you to stop because only can do that for yourself. But please please please, try not to hurt yourself again."

His words stuck with me because after that- after seeing the horror in Phichit's face that night, I didn't want to do that to my friend again.

I was fine for a while. I kinda just ate my feelings most of the time, the amount I was skating, practising for my next competition- I didn't really put on the weight.

The next time after that was my crushing defeat. I practised so hard for that competition. The amount of hours and work I put in and I failed miserably. It happened that evening as I was getting ready for the banquet. Sadness overwhelmed my body and I just couldn't hold it in any longer, I needed a release.

I stayed in Detroit an extra year. The year I gained the most weight. I barely skated anymore, I wasn't hurting myself but I was eating a lot. I was thankful when I got to come home.

I remember showing Yuko, Viktor Nikiforov's "Stay Close To Me" routine. I felt good doing it because I remembered how much and why I loved skating so much.

When Viktor arrived to be my coach, I felt like I couldn't control my happiness. I couldn't remember feeling this happy. I couldn't remember ever wanting to hurt myself when Viktor was around.

I do remember the first time I was naked around Viktor in the hot springs. I was so afraid, so ashamed that if Viktor caught a glimpse of my scars he would run a mile. I don't think he saw them that day but if he did he never mentioned them.

Being with Viktor made me happy. I never wanted him to leave. The eight months went fast but not as fast as it took me to fall in love with him.

I got sad again when the Grand Prix Final came along and my hand touched the ice during my performance. I thought things were over. My mind was racing how much I was disappointing people again- myself, my friends, my family... Viktor. My mind raced when saw Viktor watching Yurio's performance. I failed him and I'm sure I was holding him back.

I couldn't cope that evening. Only this time it was Viktor who found me. Sat crossed leg on the bathroom floor of our hotel room in my boxers and a T-Shirt. Tears rolling down my face and blood rolling down my legs. I couldn't believe this happened. I'd been so good.

"Yuri what's happened?!" I could barely make out what he was saying. I just remember Viktor coming over and kneeling in front of me shaking me by my shoulders and asking me questions. I remember Viktor cleaning up the blood on my legs and hands. I just sat there limp and lifeless. I failed people again.

Viktor hauled me up of the floor after wrapping my legs in bandages. I rested my arm on his shoulders as we walked to the beds. I passed out the rest of the night after crying for so long in Viktor's arms.

I woke up early hours that morning with Viktor beside me. The time I went for a shower and came back, Viktor was awake and standing on the balcony. He didn't say anything to me as he walked past to the bathroom. I got changed and waited for him on the bed to finish his shower.

Ten minutes later he walked back in with a towel around his waist.

"Yuri we need to-" I cut him off.

"Viktor I need to talk to you". He came and sat in front of me. "After the Grand Prix, I want you to stop being my coach. I'm going to retire from figure skating,"

His eyes widened, "but Yuri-"

"No Viktor listen. These past eight months has been the happiest I have ever been with you. But I'm so tired of feeling like I'm disappointing people. Disappointing you. And I don't want to be the person to hold you back from what you love."

Viktor just sat there with sorrow in his eyes. I didn't know what to say. I don't think he did either.

"Okay. I understand. I don't want you to feel like that anymore," he put his hands gently on my thigh, rubbing them gently with his thumbs. "I don't want you to hurt yourself ever again. But don't forget," Viktor moved his hands and picked up my right hand kissing my ring, "don't forget that I chose to be your coach, I'm choosing to spend the rest of my life with you, Yuri, because I love you. I'll stick by whatever decision you make." He leant forward, gently grabbed my head and kissed me.

We both lied in bed till our alarm clock went off. My head was Viktor's chest, he was twirling his fingers around my hair with his left hand and stroking my scars with his right hand. I knew I could get through this.

"Viktor?" I asked.

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

Authors note

Wow ok, I haven't written anything in years.

Also, this was written at 3 in the morning on an iPhone.

I would just like clarify I do not romanticise self-harm or mental illness in any way.

Some of the things written are based off personal things that have happened to me- how I coped with self-harm, turning to food etc etc.

Let me know if you liked it and/or if I should write a Viktor's POV


	2. Chapter 2- Viktor's POV

Viktor's POV

The first time I saw Yuri Katsuki was at the last Grand Prix Final. He was skating his routine and even though he made mistakes, I couldn't take my eyes off him. Like his skating was calling me. I remember seeing him leave after his loss- I asked if he wanted a photo but he just walked away. Maybe not the best action on my behalf after I did just beat him.

That evening at the banquet he was there again, he looked so miserable. I know he had just lost but there was something in his brown eyes that made me think there was something a lot more going on than him just losing. I didn't really have the courage to ask if he was OK. I wish I did now, though. But saying that I think Yuri just drank away his sorrows that evening, after about sixteen glasses of champagne Yuri and I danced and asked if I would become his coach, I never felt so privileged that someone would want me as their coach. After he danced with the other Yuri and Chris, It was nice to see him smile even if he was so drunk.

I never saw him again after that. Not until I watched him perform my routine on YouTube. His skating, his facial expressions. The sadness that he expressed through his movements, it was like he was calling my name for the second time. That's when I decided I was going to go to him.

Yuri seemed a little shocked when he at his home. A part of me knew he had forgotten the time he asked me to be his coach, but I didn't want to admit it to myself. I didn't want a reason to leave.

While I was around Yuri seemed… Happy. Like really happy compared to how he was at the banquet. This made me happy so I wasn't going to ask questions.

I remember the time Yuri and I had a soak in the hot springs. I remember seeing the white lines blending into his stretch marks. I knew what they were, they were his scars. His bad memories drawn as a physical thing on his thighs. They looked pretty old and well healed so I assumed he was over them. I didn't want to mention them to Yuri just in case they brought up bad memories.

The eight months that went by were the best in my twenty-seven years being alive. Yuri made me feel what it was like to live and love again. I couldn't thank him enough for that. I was over the moon when Yuri presented me with that little gold ring. Little did he know I had one too, but I was glad he accepted it with no hesitation.

Then that night happened. It was after the short program, Yuri couldn't hold his balance and touched the ice. I couldn't blame him as he was jet lagged and nervous all at once. But it was in the evening that I wouldn't forget.

Yuri has disappeared, I went back to the hotel room as I knew this would be the first place he would go. I remember the heartbreaking sound of Yuri crying from the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to go in straight away as I had to stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. I took a deep breath and opened the bathroom door without knocking. That sight would probably be with me forever. Yuri was sat crossed legged on the bathroom floor in a black t-shirt and his boxers. He was crying so heavily with a razor in his right-hand limb to the floor and blood rolling of both his thighs.

"Yuri what happened?!" I didn't realise I had shouted so loud. "Yuri talk to me please!"

I rushed over to him, kneeling in front of him. I don't think he could hear my voice very well but I shook his shoulders to get his attention. Still nothing. I scanned the room looking for a first aid box. My first concern was getting the razor of him. He gave it up easily. I got a wet towel and wiped away the blood on his thighs and hands, cleaning him up. I could see how bad he had hurt himself. Little slashes and big slashes covered his thighs, but none were deep enough to take him to the nearby hospital. I started to bandage his legs up as he just leant against the cabinet lifeless. I left to room quickly to retrieve Yuri's pyjama bottoms of the bed, came back and got him dressed. Yuri wasn't very heavy so managed to get him off the floor, some life came back to him as he rested his arms on my shoulders. He didn't didn't say anything. He didn't need to.

We reached the bed, I sat down first guiding Yuri into my lap. He just cried all night until he fell asleep. I didn't what was wrong or what to do. I just ended up falling asleep with Yuri clutching me.

I woke up early hours of the morning from the sound of Yuri rustling and entering the shower, I didn't know what time it was, I just knew it was still dark out. I decided I needed some fresh so made my way to the balcony. Yuri was a while in the bathroom, I hoped he was OK but gave him this time to himself anyway.

When he exited the shower I decided to have one myself and walked past the half-naked Yuri to the bathroom. I need this time to myself to think about what I was going to say to him. I didn't want to stay away from him this long. After about ten minutes I left the bathroom ready to confront Yuri about last night. I needed to. I was ready.

"Yuri we need to-" I was cut off by Yuri.

"Viktor I need to talk to you," I made my way to the chair in front of the doors to the balcony. "After the Grand Prix, I want you to stop being my coach. I'm going to retire from figure skating." He said to me hesitantly.

My eyes grew bigger, "but Yuri-"

"No Viktor listen. These past eight months has been the happiest I have ever been with you. But I'm so tired of feeling like I'm disappointing people. Disappointing you. And I don't want to be the person to hold you back from what you love."

I just sat there not knowing what to say to him. I got the courage to reply "Okay. I understand. I don't want you to feel like that anymore," I put my hands on Yuri's leg and rubbed my thumb when I assumed the cuts would be. "I don't want you to hurt yourself ever again. But don't forget," I picked up his right hand and kissed his ring, "don't forget that I chose to be your coach, I'm choosing to spend the rest of my life with you, Yuri, because I love you. I'll stick by whatever decision you make." I leant forward slightly, grabbing Yuri my the head and kissed him.

We both went back to bed and laid there till our alarm clock went off. Yuri's head was on my chest, I was twirling my fingers around his hair with my left hand and stroking his scars with my right hand. I knew he could get through this.

"Viktor?" Yuri whispered.

"Yeah?"

"I love you." 


End file.
